Living at Wayne's

So we were settled in our new spot behind our friend's house and things were different. We didn't have cable and only got like 2 channels. We didn't have internet access and missed our online friends. I had a cell phone but no signal in the camper. So I was feeling a bit cut off.

At first this wasn't a problem. We moved over to Wayne's while the weather was still relatively warm. We could get outside and walk or play horseshoes. We had lots of cookouts and I began to get pretty close to Wayne's girlfriend.

After about a month I realized that we needed to get our internet access. I got Wayne's permission to get it added to his phone service and I would pay for it. It took a little over a week but we did finally get it back. That made things much more comfortable for us. John and I felt more normal.

Our oldest son, Kyle, would come for a visit every couple of weeks and we saw many positive changes in him. He would stay inside Wayne's house at night, as there is not much room in the camper.

One day he called and asked if he could bring his girlfriend home to stay the weekend. I asked Wayne and Goldie and they said sure. This might have been a mistake on my part or maybe they should have said no if that was what they meant, but from here on out things began to change.

Kyle's girlfriend became a point of contention and it began to cause problems between the families. She was a sweetie and the kids did everything they could to respect Wayne's house but it still was becoming a problem on the weekends he wanted to bring her home. This was the first thing that got us to begin discussing other options.

Then the weather was getting colder and colder. It became more and more difficult to heat the camper to a safe and livable level. We were going through so much propane that it was becoming financially draining.

John and I decided it was time to head south. Kyle and his girlfriend decided they wanted to go with us. I began doing research online for campgrounds in the south. I had to find one with all the ammenities that we needed but also one that did not have a problem with a family of 5 and a Rottweiler.

John had another difficult decision to deal with. We actually had 2 rotties. We knew it wasn't reasonable to take them both nor would it be fair to the younger one to be cramped in a camper most of the time. Sadly he found a friend he trusted and gave our sweet Loki up to a new home.

After much research I found a campground that was reasonable in price and accepting of our family. Now it was time to come up with the traveling money.

Moving into a Camper

Now when you are moving from a 4 bedroom house with a full basement to a 30' tagalong camper things get interesting. You have to decide what you will "need" and what you can't live without. Then you have to figure out where to store everything.

Our oldest son would not be going with us. He was attending Job Corps in Bangor and would go to my mother's if there were any problems. This made things a little easier because it meant his things could go to my mothers and to his school dorm.

Our youngest son did a really good job deciding what he needed. The only large item we had to deal with was his electronic keyboard and we definately found someplace for that.

John is simple. He really didn't have a lot of things that he felt he needed. Mostly his clothes, his sword collection and his bow and arrows. All of which could be stored relatively easily.

As for me I had to go through all my books and decide what I "needed" and what I could live without. Books are definately my weakness. This was very difficult but I did manage to cut down to just several of the most needed and I gave the rest away to good homes.

I won't go through everything but needless to say we cut down on our material goods in a big way. We did this as a family, deciding what we wanted and needed. Together we figured out where to store things within our new home.

Another issue was that John and I didn't like the bed in the camper. I wanted OUR bed. So, John took out the camper mattress and began bringing out our boxspring and mattress. Now I have no way of describing the events to follow but watching my husband and son try to get our queen sized boxspring into this little camper was terribly amusing. They did however finally get our bed in. It may never come back out without a saw but it is in here now.

Once our bed was in the camper, we decided to start sleeping in the camper to begin getting used to it. Immediately it began to feel like home. The more it felt like home, the less we liked the house.

With the foreclosure creeping up on us we decided it was time to move the camper to Wayne's. Wayne came over with his truck and hauled us down to our new lot behind his house. And so our new adventure had begun.

This was my post to my online update list that I was keeping from our first night in the camper.

"Well it's comfy here. We were staying in the camper already, even at the house, so it was already starting to feel like home. We have some work to do here though. The camper is not sitting level and so water is leaking in a few areas inside. I need a different TV in our bedroom as the one I have in there barely works.

We have both dogs with us and they are not yet comfortable with the situation. I'm hoping they adjust but we will see as time goes on. They were really good all day yesterday but last night they were restless and today they are antsy and anxious. Noita was achy this morning but I think she was stressed out last night and tense so her muscles tensed up and got sore.

The humans are fine though. Johnny and I stayed up and watched a movie last night when daddy went to bed. Both of them are now sleeping and I woke up early with the dogs so I am getting some writing done. I don't actually have internet access here (yet) but I can get all my writing done and send it out later. When I go into town I can pick up wireless there so I'll just take my laptop to town a couple times a week for now.

Anyway, I forsee a lot of small projects over the next few months to get this comfortable and livable for the winter. We definately did not get even what we paid for. John had to reseal the roof twice, the fridge had to be replaced, and there are a few water leaks in the water lines but we will make the best of it and make it work for us. I think we will need to put blueboard around the whole camper and plastic to keep the heat in this winter as well but again, we will make it work. Our family has never had a problem getting through difficult times and this is relatively easy compared to some things we have been through.

On a positive note, I seem to be able to get a lot of work done here. I managed to write my second chakra lesson this morning, that I have been having trouble with for some time now. I have written another article this morning as well. If this is the payoff then I'm all for it. Maybe I can finally get my spiritual book finished and published."

The Decision

So here we were with John unable to work and living only off from my disability check each month. We became totally unable to pay our mortgage on our house that we had taken the mortgage out on to get this all started. We were both depressed and getting extremely worried.

We had the $5000 from the sale/deal we made on the other house. The choices were limited. We could make 3 or 4 months payments on our home. We could pay down other bills we owed. Or we could make a decision that would change all of our lives but would keep us going in the future.

John and I had always dreamed of becoming Full Time RVers since we lived on the streets back in 1988. Over the last couple of years we had researched it and started planning for a time when we could achieve this dream. We had even made a plan. John would build and sell 5 houses and a little from each house would go in the bank to be our nestegg for this new lifestyle.

Now, however, things had changed. John couldn't build houses anymore. We were just months away from being homeless.

John had applied for social security disability but this can take a very long time and we weren't sure if we could hang on until that came through.

At first we simply held on to the money and kept talking about our options. For a while we even just shut down and couldn't do anything. Finally we decided that it was time. We would begin our search for a camper and move into it.

We talked to several of our friends. Our plan was to move the camper, once aquired, to one of our friend's houses and live behind them for the winter. Come spring we would re-evaluate and see what was next for us.

Our friend, Wayne, offered to let us stay there. He and his girlfriend needed the help and the situation would be beneficial to everyone.

We began our search. We looked in the local classifieds and in the Uncle Henry, which in Maine is a local magazine that people list all their items for sale in. We went to look at several different campers and RVs all over the state. We found one that we really wanted but the people wouldn't accept less than what they had listed and we did not have enough to buy it. So our search continued.

As the weeks passed we began to worry and I became very stressed. Finally one day we found 2 possibilities that we could afford and that looked promising. One was a 30' tagalong camper and the other was a 34' tagalong camper. The 34' was a very long distance from us but the person selling it would deliver it to us for an extra $400. John was not thrilled about this and insisted that I go look at the 30' before making the decision.

So we traveled an hour and a half away to look at the 30' camper. John, not wanting to deal with the one further away, immediately began to work on me. I wasn't thrilled with it but it was ok. John asked me if the guy would accept this really lowball offer, would I be ok with it. I of course didn't think this man would take this so I said sure. Well wouldn't you know it, the guy accepted it. So, this would be our camper, our home.

Our friend, Craig, got a truck and took us up to get the camper. We hauled it to our house and began the process of moving into it.

Starting a Business

Actually I shouldn't call this starting because John had actually been running his own business since shortly after our daughter's loss. But this was a new direction.

We were using the money from our own home mortgage to buy property and get the land setup for building. Then we would be getting financing to build it.

John drew up the most amazing house plans but kept them within reason for a decent budget and to keep the house affordable for those living in Maine. We found a piece of property and purchased it outright.

The rest of the financing for the new home came in and then everything that could go wrong did go wrong. The land didn't pass the soil test and had to be built up costing us an additional 15K than originally expected. The work on the house took several months longer than it should have so labor costs went far over budget.

John's father had been good enough to come and work with him to try and get things on track. He worked for several weeks with the boys and got so much done.

By the end of the house we were out of money completely and suddenly the loan company would not help us anymore. We tried to refinance this house and got screwed by a new lender we were trying to work with and it put us in further debt and wrecked our credit. We tried refinancing the new place but the credit would not allow it. We both became severely depressed and lost a couple of weeks of solution working to it.

John felt severe guilt over the money he owed to his father for all the work he did, and still does. We paid off the other workers with the money we had left. And we began trying to do some of the remaining work on our own.

Then my husband, who has worked his whole life and never gets sick, began developing problems in his back and joints. Until now he had pretty much struggled through them. The doctors keep telling him it was nothing. Now, however, he could barely walk up the front steps without a little help. He was in pain all the time. This too began depressing him.

We started seeing doctors more often but they would say things like "It's all in your head" or "We can't find anything physically wrong". John couldn't do the work required to finish the house. The loan company was breathing down our back. We were getting very concerned.

John was becoming more and more depressed. The pain throughout his body was almost unbearable many days. We finally sought out the assistance of a psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with Severe Major Depression, OCD, Severe Social Anxiety and PTSD. I knew about the depression, the OCD and the Social Anxiety. We had been dealing with those on our own for years. What I didn't know was the PTSD. He was and is still suffering horrible flashbacks to the loss of our daughter. He was the only one of us to see her at the scene of the accident and her face haunts him. The psychiatrist started him on medication immediately and monitored his progress often.

Our financial situation was still a big factor in both of our mental states and something had to be done. Finally I contacted the loan company and the owner of this company did us a great favor. Of course it worked out well for him too. He gave us $5000 cash for the house John was building and paid the loan off. So basically he bought the house for the amount of the loan and $5000 to get us on our way.

This was the first step into our new life.

Our Dream House

So even though the money recieved from the settlement was attrocious, we did get enough to move. This was what I needed desperately. I was so traumatized that I couldn't let the kids go outside to play. I couldn't stand to hear cars pass by the house. I was losing my mind.

John and I began our search for a piece of property that we could all live with. Someplace the kids could go out to play without me having a nervous breakdown. Someplace with lots of room to build a nice house.

We found it in Frankfort Maine. The property was lovely with the most amazing energy. We quickly put a down payment on it and signed papers. Then we began planning our dream house.

John is a very talented carpenter and we knew what we wanted. He drew up plans, cleared the property and began building our new home. It seems like it took a moment now but then it seemed like forever.

We moved in well before the house was finished. We had to. I couldn't be at the other house any longer.

When we moved in we had no electricity, no running water and not even a septic. We had a porta-potty outside and we lugged in gallons of water from other sources. Candles and board games were our only entertainment. But the kids didn't care. There was lots of property to explore and I felt comfortable letting them go outside to play.

Living in a house while you are building it is not very condusive to the process but it did a lot for all of us in the way of healing our spirits and making us comfortable.

John was not only working on our home but he was also running his own little construction company. He was building garages and decks for people. He was doing roofs. He was even out doing odd jobs. And, I might add, he was doing very well with it.

We did by the end of our first summer have a septic and electricity. It took another year before we had money for our own well but still we were happy.

For a very long time we lived in our dream home with no interior walls and only subflooring. In about 2006 we decided it was time to get a construction loan and finish the place up. During the finish on this place the loan company told us that if my husband wanted to build houses to sell they could help him with financing. This was my husbands dream come true. We jumped at the opportunity. First we refinanced this place to take care of old credit issues, get me a decent car, and buy a piece of property to use for the next house. We wanted to buy and RV as well but chose to put some money into the property to get things rolling instead.

It definately seemed that things were beginning to turn around for us.

Loss of a child

At the same time that I was approved for disability and we were finally feeling like life might get back to normal, our family was hit by tragedy.

In October of 2000 our daughter was hit and killed by a car near our home. She was 8 years old. She was my best friend and our only daughter.

It was Columbus day. The kids had the day off from school and had spent the day having a great time. Our oldest, 9, spent the day in the living room playing with dad on the playstation.

Our two youngest, 7 and 8, had been in and out of the house all day long. The last thing they had been up to was jumping on a bed that we had out in the garage. I had called them inside because it was getting close to supper and I needed to get cooking. This meant I wouldn't be able to watch them as closely and so I wanted them in the house. Our daughter came in and pouted her lip saying, "please mommy can we play just a little longer". I could never resist her.

I told them to go ahead but to stay in the garage and I would be out in a few minutes. I began supper and was watching John and our oldest play for a moment when the front door burst open. It had only been about 15 minutes since I sent them out to play. It was our youngest, standing there with our daughter's shoes in his hands. He blurted out that she tried to walk to the store, which was just down the road, by herself and she got hit by a car and he thought she was dead.

John ran out the door to go find her and I gathered the other two to put in the car. The rest of the day is a bit of a blur and very difficult to talk about. Our daughter, who was a bright shining light in this world, was in fact gone. And that piece of information alone sent me into a head long spin that I barely recovered from.

I was in shock for weeks. Thank heavens for good friends and family because I couldn't have dealt with all the details that inevitably come up without them. Although I have to say that there are also others who were not helpful. Some people said the most horrible things to us and about us. People made comments that simply made things harder. But mostly we were surrounded by those who loved us and would protect us from these types of things.

After the funeral, my mother called a lawyer and began proceedings against the man who hit her. This man told 5 different stories that varied so much that I'm not sure how he got off scott free and with almost no reprocussions.

This was a process that is horrible to go through when you are already grieving and barely surviving a tragedy like this. Lawyers are cruel and insurance companies are even worse. They tried to say I didn't love my kids and that I didn't care well for them. There were such horrible things said that it nearly put me in the loony bin.

I finally called the lawyer one day and said SETTLE. I can't do this anymore just finish it. So he did. The amount we got was a slap in the face amount but it was over and though NO amount of money could everreplace her or bring her back the amount we finally got was just insulting. However it did allow us to move from the area we lived inand build a house in the middle of nowhere where I could lick mywounds and start to heal.

That healing took years. There are 3 years after the accident that I can only barely remember. My kids are still healing. And, as you will see in future posts, John is still suffering with severe after affects.

Disability Round 1

Ok so as I stated. My husband and I are not only the best of friends but we are totally dedicated to one another and to our family.

In 1995 I found a wonderful job that was very well paying. However, John and I believe that children NEED a parent at home. We discussed for some time what would be best for everyone and decided that he would stay home with the children while I took on this new carreer.

John was a wonderful stay at home parent. And though even his family gave us a hard time about this decision, we were happy that we did it.

For a year and a half I happily worked at this company and John dutifully stayed home and cared for the house and children. He would even stay up until I got home sometimes and cook for me. (I worked 5pm to 2am)

Suddenly, one day on the way home from work, I felt like I was having a heart attack. I pulled the car over and layed down in the back seat. I was having a hard time breathing and the pain throughout my body was frightening. When it passed I continued on my way home.

Over the course of a couple of months I began having worse pains and more odd episodes that varied in symptoms. Finally I became unable to continue working.

Now, if you have ever had to fight for disability then you will understand why I said disability round one. I began seeking medical help. At first I was told that this was all in my head and that I just needed to stop. WHAT?!? I was made to feel like I was faking and/or crazy. This brought on a major depression.

For years I tried to figure out what was going on with me. Sometime during this experience I finally applied for disability, as it was becoming apparent that I would not be able to return to work.

Finally I found a doctor who cared and who understood. She did a full physical, the first one I had gotten since this all began, and told me what she thought it might be. She referred me to a specialist and they confirmed her belief that this was a severe form of fibromyalgia with all the trimmings, meaning with every imaginable side effect, symptom or accopanying issue that goes with it.

During this process I learned that most doctors do not care if you are in pain. I learned that some doctors prefer to blame you. I learned that most doctors will not do anything for you to make your life more tolerable. And I learned that no matter how bad you feel, you can be made to feel worse.

It still took several months before I finally got approved for disability but it did finally happen.